Do you tell people the truth even when it might hurt? How many white lies have you told to make others feel better? When something is wrong do you say so?
My wife and I got into this big argument because I didn’t tell her when something looked horrible on her. She is a beautiful woman, but picked an outfit that didn’t really flatter her. But, I wanted her to “feel good”. Instead it turned out that she was embarrassed by how bad she looked.
As I was getting ready to sleep on the couch that night I wondered how often that happens in leadership. Why try to make people feel good instead of telling the truth?
After speaking to fellow leaders, coaches and experts, I found that there was a real cost at work for telling white lies or “sugar coating”. As leaders, not telling the truth about performance, ideas, etc. actually undermines progress. Yet, it is something that is done every day.
These “little” lies keep pushing people down the wrong path one nudge at a time. Unfortunately, it is more like pushing them off the plank into shark infested waters.
It is as if leaders say:
“Hey, here is a tasting pastry treat for you as you travel down that road of yours. I hope you enjoy the little white frosting I put on top. It should help propel you to get to that destination!”
But the ugly truth is “the sugar coating of white lies” seems to keep employees (or spouses) happy and moving along! The problem is that with all the “white lies” the sugar crash that is coming. Instead of facing a difficult or crucial conversation many leaders just keep feeding them the white lies because it makes them smile for now. It is also easier than telling the truth.
What can you do?
It seems hard, but leaders must say what is so. If performance is good, people should be recognized. If it is not, it needs to be addressed.
Here’s how to keep those fattening and addictive white lies at bay:
1) Understand how to have “difficult conversations” using the Crucial Conversations methodology
1. Be specific about what happened. Avoid watering down the facts.
2. Be honest and respectful.
3. Discuss what’s recent and relevant.
4. Watch for signals that the other person feels unsafe, and take appropriate action.
5. Employ active listening skills
2) Make a practice of saying two good things before saying the one negative thing
People are hungry for praise and recognition, something they don’t get as much of as they should at work or at home. It is important to make sure people understand you do appreciate what they do. But please don’t patronize. Telling someone something nice about themselves that is untrue is another white lie.
3) Create a culture of truth
It is not easy but in order to get truthfulness there must be an environment that demands, respects and allows for trust and honesty. There are many different ways to make this a reality, but it starts with the leader insisting and rewarding for it.
4) Admit failures readily
“When you make a mistake, you have to acknowledge that is so. If you don’t you are at serious risk of losing all credibility and there is only one way to get it back: Admit you were wrong.” – Dwight Eisenhower
5) Teach how to come prepared with a handful of possible solutions with every WELL-DEFINE issue at hand
Problems don’t make teams, people and organizations great. Solutions do. Make sure that there is a solution or at least a thought of a solution for every problem that is brought up. Remember the adage – Don’t tell me that it’s raining. Tell me how to build the ark.
6) Teach how to build others up honestly and not falsely
Leaders must ensure that there is little room for spreading rumor and innuendo. It might seem like human nature to back-stab and undermine, but that is really only true in TV dramas. Honesty on teams has shown to increase productivity, creativity and reduce absenteeism.
“When you work alongside people you don’t trust and therefore don’t like, you’ll find the team becomes dysfunctional and can result in staff turnover, because people are sick of covering for lies,”
7) Hold people accountable
Don’t hesitate to remove someone that is not productive or honest. Sometimes by losing one poor performer, a team can be twice as effective!
8) When lies do happen, expose them gently and explain where that lie would falsely lead someone and re-engineer the trajectory with the truth.
People lie. Unfortunately, leaders face this dilemma at some point. It is critical that leaders address them head-on. Once a lie is uncovered, the person lying must do whatever it takes to correct it. That could mean offering an apology, revealing the truth or anything else necessary.
So now what?
With as much tact as possible, I always tell my wife the truth now. If something isn’t flattering, I will let her know because I love her. That is the truth. If you really care about your company, team and employees you will let them know when those “jeans” just aren’t flattering. It will save them a whole lot of embarrassment. It will also prove that you care so much about them that you can tell them the truth, even when it is hard to hear.
That is the mark of a leader.
Are you sugar coating poor performance of an employee? Do you tell people when they are risking failure or do you allow them to fail to not hurt their feelings? Do you avoid honesty so people like you? If so, you could be doing more harm than good.
Anil Saxena is the President of Cube 2.14, an organizational development consulting firm that works with clients to increase both customer and employee engagement while decreasing turnover, improving customer retention, and increasing profitability within organizations.
Saxena is a certified High Impact coach and trainer and a Joint Application Design facilitator. He is also certified by both Rush Systems and IBM as a focus group facilitator. He is an inaugural member of Northwestern University’s Learning and Organizational Change program, and he earned his bachelor’s degree in mechanical engineering from the Illinois Institute of Technology.
