(Powerful leadership lessons are learned from everywhere. In a sporadic series of blogs, I am going to explore the people that taught me those lessons. Some will be expected, others may not. Thanks for reading!)
Although my first marriage didn’t end well, I was fortunate to come out of it relatively unscathed. It taught me a lot about how to build relationships and how to be a leader. You could say that my ex-wife gave me great insight of what not to do.
1. DON’T PROMISE WHAT YOU CAN’T DELIVER –
Admittedly, we were having some issues before the end. We decided that we needed to take on something, like a project, together. The theory was that we were going to have to rely on each other and in the end see each other in a different light. Let’s just say that didn’t work. I signed up to lead a big volunteer effort with the understanding that she would be joining me taking on some of the work. I made my commitment taking on a HUGE role to recruit volunteers and donors. Then…she backed out. She said it was “too stressful” and “too much extra time”.
But, I couldn’t back out. I grit my teeth and took on the extra work. In the end, it worked out really well. I made excellent contacts, learned a lot about being more efficient and helped a great cause. It also taught me the importance of doing what you say you will. It not only undermines relationships, but plants the seed that you can’t be trusted.
2. MAKE SURE THE PEOPLE IMPORTANT TO YOU KNOW THEY ARE IMPORTANT
Have you ever worked with someone that never told you what you did was important even though they gave you all the hard projects and asked you to take on all the difficult tasks? Try living with them.
Leaders, people need to know that that you SEE what they do matters. Yes, there are people that will tell you “the work is my reward”. But, even they will feel put upon if their hard work and great effort is not acknowledged in some way.
My ex-wife never said thank you for the things that I (or others close to her) did. Mind you, I wasn’t looking for a parade or surprise party (although that might have been nice). But, it would have been nice to know that she thought what I did mattered or made her life a little better. I’m actually kind of thankful she didn’t though. It made me double my efforts to make sure the people that I worked with and my friends knew that I appreciated them. I wrote a lot of thank you notes, sent thank you emails and did a lot of public recognition for my team. Not to say that my team(s) would’ve taken a bullet for me, but they knew I had their backs.
3. IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT’S WHAT YOU DO
This is an oldie but a goodie. My ex-wife (and me too if I’m being honest) was notorious for saying she would be somewhere or do something and not follow through.
She told me that she just felt bad saying no and people felt better when you said yes. She had no intention of doing what she agreed to and would figure out an excuse later. At first, I thought that was kind of brilliant. You didn’t have to be honest, could make everyone happy and still get to watch the Fear Factor marathon. But, I noticed that people stopped asking us to do things. We weren’t getting invited to parties, weddings, etc. I also noticed that my team started to skip asking me things as well. Taking my ex-wife’s advice had led to a one-way trip to “lonely-ville”. One Monday, I learned of a team outing that everyone attended, except me. They had gone to a place I loved but assumed I would just cancel and didn’t invite me. I was mortified to learn that by not dealing with telling people no, I was forcing myself into “hermitness”.
That’s the day I stopped doing that entirely. What a gift that lesson was. From that point on, I worked on making sure I did what I said I would. Sometimes that meant saying no, making some people unhappy or disappointed. Remarkably, I started to get invited to things again, both at work and with friends.
Although some of these lessons were tough to learn, I became a better leader and a better person because of them. I’ve never forgotten the importance of honoring relationships. They are the cornerstone of making a great workplace and a great life.
Where do you learn unexpected lessons of leadership? What relationships provide you with valuable insight?
Anil Saxena is the President of Cube 2.14, an organizational development consulting firm that works with clients to increase both customer and employee engagement while decreasing turnover, improving customer retention, and increasing profitability within organizations.
Saxena is a certified High Impact coach and trainer and a Joint Application Design facilitator. He is also certified by both Rush Systems and IBM as a focus group facilitator. He is an inaugural member of Northwestern University’s Learning and Organizational Change program, and he earned his bachelor’s degree in mechanical engineering from the Illinois Institute of Technology.
